It’s Amber’s birthday, the resident Sagittarius. Happy birthday Amber!
This tribute to Amber started with Kelly telling us that those born under the Sagittarius sign are natural wanderers. Kelly says this doesn’t apply to Amber. She never wanders. But Amber herself disagrees. “I am a wanderer,” she says, “But a responsible wanderer.”
I quickly realized how wandering this blog was going to get.
But we forged ahead, in honor of our birthday girl.
The girls read that the Sagittarius is the most peaceful and loving of all the fire signs. This brought them to a round of “This girl is on fire,” but then they got back to business. They read on that Amber is supposed to be generous and idealistic, with a great sense of humor: An enthusiastic extrovert, constantly in touch with the world and possessing an intense curiosity.
Amber was sold. She does have a wandering soul, she says.
“I look at what makes sense at the moment,” she says. “And I’m okay if that changes.”
And if someone told her to jump off a cliff, she would. In fact, she did, she says.
She never got to that story, because this wandering girl veered the subject to one of her latest adventures. A married mom in the suburbs, she followed her intense curiosity on a quest for the most comfortable panties, only available at Sam’s Club.
There she was: Constantly in touch with the world… of intimate apparel at a membership-only retail warehouse. On a mission to buy panties and only panties, she found her size and threw them in the cart, not realizing that the panty packaging looked oddly like a best-selling hardcover. So, extroverted and enthusiastic, she was quick to answer when a passing associate asked her if it was any good. “Hell, yes!” she told him. “Get yourself some today!”
Well, that’s not entirely true. But she is a fan of her Sam’s Club panties.
And this wandering Sagittarius is idealistic with a big heart. Even in travels to Sam’s Club, even in bulk underwear. This girl is on fire.
Which is why Kelly’s been a big fan since they met at Kelly’s former salon in 2006. “I don’t know what I’d be doing today if Amber hadn’t come into my life,” she says.
Aw, it was a sweet moment and I could see how close all three of these ladies are in friendship, respect, partnership, and intense curiosity.
In this case, it was the curiosity of what they wanted for Christmas, and thus they wandered…
Kelly wants a new diamond. Melissa wants a robot vacuum cleaner. “But they’re a million dollars,” she sighs. NO THEY’RE NOT, MELISSA. They’re like $200. You can get them on Amazon, they implore.
Oh, but birthday girl is on to something: She wants a handheld steamer to clean the shower. “You can just use a clothes steamer,” they tell her. “No, it has to be a cleaner steamer,” Amber says. Like we said, she’s idealistic.
What do you want?
So this topic led to a natural wandering to Cyber Monday, and the amazing items available online at Nixon and Company. Kelly says, stay on your couch and check out these incredible styles – and take up to 40% off!
Wait, that was last week’s blog. Or the week before that.
This week, we’re talking about Thanksgiving: How to enjoy it, and how to survive it.
“Like we said,” the girls told me. “Drink wine.”
But we have to elaborate, and you can’t just keep pushing your alcoholic ways, I said, as I reached for my glass.
So the ladies put on their turkey hats and got serious. What’s to say about this holiday that is approaching one week sooner than it should? And how can our readers get in front of this day and make it great? They offered three ways. (They said threeways, not three-ways. Geez!)
Get a tradition.
At Kelly’s house they start every Thanksgiving with a neighborhood game of touch football. The mere thought of this made me want to lose my gravy, but she swore by it. “It’s so much fun!” she said. I couldn’t tell if she was kidding.
Another tradition they have is the annual tablecloth creation and presentation. Every year, she finds her fabric markers (she’s crafty, I’ll tell you) and encourages her guests to write on the cloth what they’re grateful for. Then, each year, she pulls out the last year’s tablecloth and they lament last year’s joys – over wine.
This left the others struggling. Did they have any traditions? Did they do anything special? Did they just suck? Amber offered up a holiday gift tradition she and her daughter do for Christmas, but when it came to Thanksgiving, she brought nothing to the table.
Did Melissa have any traditions? Honestly, she is still thinking about it. (See last week’s blog.)
Get out of your comfort zone.
Does your stuffing have too much stuff in it? Are there foods you won’t eat? Turkey Trots you won’t run? Friends and family you won’t break bread with?
If so, another idea is to give thanks for the opportunity and just say yes. Try that nasty stuffing. Sign up for that crazy Turkey Challenge, and extend your table to all who are hungry.
Leave your crustiness for the Thanksgiving pies, and get out of your comfort zone. Amber knows. She’ll said she’ll eat the stuffing and whatever else is out there, including the turkey gizzards.
“I don’t discriminate,” she said. “Because of the vitamins.”
Screw Black Friday.
Another way to celebrate Thanksgiving? Take a pass on Black Friday.
I almost lost the girls here, when Amber started reminiscing about one of the times she went out on Black Friday. Apparently, she was so determined to buy a trampoline, she literally sat down on it and refused to get up.
“Wow,” the girls exclaimed! “Was this when you were a kid?” they asked in all sincerity.
“No,” she replied. “It was just a few years ago.”
Ah. Where’s that wine?
Anyway, back to the subject, the girls agreed Black Friday is just not worth it.
Kelly asked: Have you ever gotten a deal so good it was worth getting out of your PJs?
And Melissa asked: Why is it called Black Friday?
Shop Cyber Monday
A better option, they said: Drink and relax all weekend, and then sit on your couch and shop on Cyber Monday.
Finally, at the end of day, Thanksgiving is next week. We encourage you to enjoy it and survive it. With gratitude. We ourselves are counting our blessings. And our wine bottles. Cheers and Happy Thanksgiving!
This blog is in honor of Melissa, whose birthday is November 12, and who is turning 30, or 34, or 40, and who is a Scorpio. Or is she?
It turns out, she is, but she isn’t. We’ll get to that later. First: The girls dug deep into all that makes Melissa, Melissa. And in celebration of World Kindness Day, which is also November 12, they were kind enough to share it. So, here we go.
Puns, puns, puns
This is where the title of this blog came from. Melissa loves her puns. As she says, they’re witty commentary! To which Kelly reminds her: But they’re not witty.
I personally think they are, but then again, my humor is questionable. And Melissa is pun-stoppable. We love her for her cheesy sayings and her desire to explain jokes to people who don’t “get it.”
Which reminds me: Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.
Now that’s funny. And only Melissa is laughing.
I soon learned that bad jokes are the only thing that Melissa arrives at and shares quickly. It seems Melissa is a bit of an overthinker. The girls say, when introduced to a dilemma, an opportunity, a challenge, or even a menu, Melissa contemplates every detail and thinks through every possible outcome. Was this obsessive or an amazing attention to detail? They weren’t sure. But regardless, they told me, when given a “yes or no” question, Melissa’s a definite maybe.
I looked to the birthday girl to see what she thought of this assessment. Turns out, she’s still considering it.
But she promised me this: “I’m not overthinking the fact that I’m 30.”
A not-so-Scorpio Scorpio
At this point, the girls pulled up their phones, in the spirit of kindness, to figure out if Melissa is truly a Scorpio (and perhaps whether all Scorpios told bad jokes and overthought.) Here are their findings:
Scorpios are known for being mysterious. Is Melissa mysterious? Only when it comes to what she’s thinking.
Scorpios are also passionate and protective, and value relationships built on trust. Is this Melissa? Yeah, sure, why not? Sip.
Scorpios are loyal. Here, we were on to something. This is where Melissa finally showed her Scorpio pinchers. Yes, she’s loyal. She’s loyal to the veterans, not only for their service, but because Veterans’ Day coincides with her birthday.
She’s loyal to the state of Wyoming, still insisting she’s a Wyoming Native even though she was only born on an Air Force Base there and moved to Denver as a baby.
She’s loyal to her friends, even though they don’t appreciate her jokes.
But she is loyal, said Kelly. “Like a dog.” Specifically a lab. Because she sheds.
So, Melissa may or may not be a true Scorpio. But she is funny and she is an overthinker. Plus she cuts a mean head of hair. Come in and say hi to this great lady. Maybe you can figure out her real age. In the meantime, I’ll leave you with a question in honor of the birthday girl:
As a chill came into the air, the girls looked at the calendar — and the thermometer — and realized it’s November. And it’s time to address the change of seasons.
Although truthfully, Melissa said it’s not winter until the solstice in December. To which Kelly promptly replied, “Screw that. It’s winter.”
So, there’s that. And despite an overall dislike for all things cold, the girls embraced the topic and got to business. Now that winter is officially/not officially here, what do we all need to be doing?
Throw out the razors. What’s the first thing these empowered women of 2018 said? No Shave November is not just for men! Amen, sisters! We can – and should – stop shaving! Was this a rally cry of pink pussyhats? Was this an incredible way to celebrate winter? Or were the girls just getting lazy? I wasn’t sure.
Because they quickly moved on to assessing everyone’s understanding of this important month to raise awareness of men’s health.
It’s called No Shave November, right? Or is it MOVEMBER?
But why is it called that?, asked Amber.
Because “Mustache” and “No” make NOVEMBER!, exclaimed Melissa.
I’m not sure I followed, but Melissa seemed proud, and Amber seemed convinced. I was just glad these ladies validated my desire to stop shaving.
Cover the winter blubber. Next the girls lamented on how now that it’s winter, we can give up the dream of our summer bikini bodies. Screw it, they said! November is here and it’s the perfect time to hide any undesired blubber. Like with this black plaid scarf. It’s adorable, and it will dress up any outfit. It will also highlight your beautiful face, and not your ample ass.
Another look they love: The Oversize Plaid Blanket Scarf. If you’ve moved straight from beer to Halloween candy, your ears may perk up on this one. But, ahem ladies, we said oversize, not supersize! We’re referring to this 57- by 57-inch fabric of love. Nestle yourself in this warm layer, and you won’t come out till May. And if you gain weight through the holidays, no one will know! (Confused on WTF is a blanket scarf? Answers here.)
Rake your leaves. With a couple snowfalls under our belts, the girls had one last suggestion for how to prepare for winter. Rake the damn leaves. Especially if the leaves from your tree are blowing into your neighbor’s yard. And by the way, Kelly adds, pick up the dog poo before it snows again.
I sensed the conversation was getting heated, what with all the leaves and crap, so we steered back to fashion. And I gathered the true meaning of what the girls really wanted to say about raking, which is “You need this hat.” Now, that’s cute!
So, it may not be the winter solstice. But winter is still here, and so are the words of winter wisdom you’ve read here. Settle in, work on your wooly legs, and cover up everything you can’t stand to see. We’ll have your back. Even if it’s hairy.
Think “adulting” is an actual thing, and not just, well, a way of living.
This is because I’m quickly approaching 50. I’m tired. I’m practical. And I’m grateful, because I “can’t even” think of having to work this hard. And if you’re like me, we probably should hang out.
Like at the Nixon & Company “Old and Bold” Event!
Join us Thursday, November 1, for a special night of celebration for women in their 50s, 60s, 70s and beyond.
This is an event exclusively for mature women, who are too old to care, but too young to stop. So if you’ve lost your husband, soul mate, patience, or mind, you’ll want to be there.
But let us cut to the chase (that’s important at our age)
If your kids are in elementary school, this event is not for you.
If you hear “pamper” and think diapers – and not wine – you’re too young
If you’re coloring your hair to have fun, and not to cover gray, we don’t need your kind.
Instead, this is for you lovely ladies in your flirty 50s, sexy 60s, or sophisticated 70s, or for those already knocking on death’s door.
There will be apps and wine, shopping, beauty tips, Botox, apps, wine, shopping, Botox, good company, apps, and wine. Well, you get it.
There will also be real conversations that don’t involve Instagram, “Merica,” polyamorous relationships, or debate about who we identify as.
It’s a party for your people. People who understand rotary phones, busy signals, drinking from the hose, and manual transmissions. People who…
Pass by the neighborhood pool and think, “Oh thank God, I don’t have to go there.”
Flip consistently between Sirius Hits 1 and the 70s station.
Turn down the music in order to drive better.
Avoid having sex on top because of the view from the bottom.
Anyway, it’s a party for people who are shocked that Rose on the “Golden Girls” was only supposed to be 55! I know, right? I’m not lying – I get all my information from Yahoo Answers.
Join us in recognizing that old folks are old, but young folks are exhausting. Come make new friends, reconnect with old friends, or (who are we kidding) meet new old friends. Bring your maturity and your pragmatism. Sip wine. Sigh deep. Put up your feet and discuss the 80s, when life was good. We’ll see you there. But remember: We check IDs.
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